Today was a perfect park day. It was 78 degrees out, sunny with a light breeze. I was carrying Jack and holding Evie's hand as she walked by my side. We were walking over to a small barn to check out the animals. Upon reaching a giant stretch of grass, I put Jack down to let him walk the rest of the way. It felt so good.. The sun on our faces, fresh air in our lungs. Jack walked not even 20 feet and stopped dead in his tracks. Breathless, he managed to squeak out a winded "mama" as he reached his chubby little hands up to me. I scooped him up in one quick motion and continued to walk. I could feel his heart beating a mile a minute. His breaths were shallow and labored. For the first time in a long time, I got the feeling. That yucky pit in the depths of your stomach kind of feeling.. With a dash of helplessness.
In the CICU after his surgery, I spoke to a nurse about what Jack would be able to do as he got older and if he'd have any physical limitations. She told me to let him go and do.. Don't impose limitations on him just because I think he can't or shouldn't. He would learn what his own limitations were on his own.
In my mind I was thinking I wouldn't have to worry about this until he was a little older.. At school, at recess, playing sports.. Not walking in the park on a 70 degree day. Nevertheless, there we were. I was taken aback.. I know it sounds small and stupid and it shouldn't bother me the way it is. It almost feels like the tip of the iceberg. We've been coasting along so smoothly that it almost doesn't seem real. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.. And today I feel like that shoe has begun to cast its shadow.
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