My sweet, precious boy. He's woken up numerous times today. Hurting and hungry. All I can do is stand by, stroke his head, hold his tiny hand and talk to him. The ache of not being able to scoop him up and hold him is all too heartbreaking. It's an ache that just seeps down to the very core of my motherly being.
To hold. An innate right that no mother should ever be stripped of. I sat by his window in the CICU and looked out into the sky and pictured Jack and I just floating away. He was in my arms, smiling and we just drifted off, and I didn't look down or back. I held him close.. and we just floated. No weight, nothing pulling us in any direction. It was the one brief moment of peace I had in this room today. It was quickly interrupted by the all too familiar sound of his alarms reminding us why we are here.
I stepped out to get my laptop and wash up and while I was gone he woke up. His nurse Kerri filled me in.. she said he woke up very, very upset. He was thrashing and coughing and she thought his chest tube was bothering him. She gave him a smidge of morphine in hopes it takes the edge off and that he will get a little sleep. He still hasn't eaten, so we are hoping to feed him tonite. I'm sleeping in his room tonite because I want to be able to feed him his first bottle.
It's been a long, emotional day for my sweet boy.. for now, we rest.
xo Marissa
Can't wait to get out of here.. No offense, CICU nurses!
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