I'm the mother of a child that is going to have heart surgery next week. I don't think there is even a word that comes close to describing the anxiety and terror in my heart.
This is where I'm at right now. I'm making an appointment to have family portraits done this Friday so we have pictures to hold onto just incase the unthinkable happens. When I see other moms with their sons, a lump in my throat swells and I can't help but wonder if I will get to see my son at 5 years old.. 11, 18, 30? Will I be able to handle what he will look like after surgery? What if he suffers a complication.. A stroke? A clot? Will I be able to be the mother he needs me to be for him while he recovers?
With each passing day the cracks begin to spread.. My cracks. I'm constantly told how I'm admired for my strength. As surgery day fast approaches, my strength is quickly turning into anxiety and fear.. And fear is a strong and scary emotion. It's gripping me in a way I have never felt before in all my 31 years on this planet.
So how do you conquer fear? For me, I look at my son, take a deep breath. I believe in his strength and will to survive. He has proven to us time and time again that he is strong and ready to defy any odds that have been stacked against him. I believe that my father is here, comforting me and watching over Jack. I believe that God has a plan for my son and that this plan is far from over. I believe there's more for Jack to accomplish and contribute to this world that is desperate for some good.
So the trick to conquering fear is belief. Just believe.
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