I See Her

From the very beginning of all that is Jack, Evie has always been a priority and constant concern for me. Where was she going to stay when I was delivering Jack? Who would watch her? Was she going to be ok? Would she be excited to be a sister? My biggest concern should have been how she would handle having a brother that got so much attention. Believe it or not, I never really gave it much thought. I knew she'd be jealous.. Because what child who has had their mom, dad and grandma to herself for so long wouldn't be jealous? 

It's much more complicated than that. She has been experiencing these big and complex emotions and is unable to express her jealousy/anger/sadness/frustration in a healthy way. She not only lacks the maturity but the language to even tell us why she feels the way she does.  

So she acts out. Countless tantrums. Glass shattering screaming fits. I would be lying if I said she didn't try to hit/kick/pinch/squish Jack from time to time. I know she loves him.. And he loves her right back. It's been almost 2 full months since Jack's surgery and she is still having a hard time with this. I know she just wants my undivided attention, but if I can't give that to her, then what can I give? 

I haven't mastered this situation. It's far from perfect and I don't know if I'm even approaching it the right way.. But I'm doing my best. She needs my love, my patience and my understanding. She needs my time.. And these are all things I can give her. When she is being aggressive towards Jack, I know it's because she wants the attention-- positive or negative. I remove her from the immediate vicinity and have her cool off in a time out.. The. I talk to her. She sits on my lap and snuggles on my lap and I ask her what she is feeling. I try to help her label the emotion she is feeling. I try to help her better understand it and suggest other ways to deal with it. She needs that closeness-- to know that I don't think she is bad. To know that I see her, and I care for her like no one else ever will. 

It's a struggle everyday. Some days I feel good when it's time to put her down to sleep.. Other days I replay the day in my head and shudder at the lack of patience I'd had for her. Me snapping at her, and her bringing her tiny hands up to cover her face as she cried. Some days, I just wish I could hit the do over button. 

This motherhood business is tough. But anything worth doing wouldn't be easy.